He Sees Me

There have been some good things happening with Caleb lately and I really wanted to share them. Its kind of a long story, so its hard to know where to begin and what details to give and leave out so that this doesn’t end up being a novel, I'll try to make this the condensed version.

A little over a year ago, I was stuck. I was in a state of complete hopelessness. I know I touched on it in some posts over the last few months. It had been building for years and I came to my breaking point. I had asked God many times to help me, I wasn’t sure what else to ask for though because I saw no way out, I didn’t see there were any solutions. Well, in answer to my prayer for help I started meeting with an incredible life coach ~ Cheryl Molenaar at Inspire Life Coaching  ~ cheryl@inspirelife.ca

There are so many things I have learned with Cheryl but the thing that really started to change things was when I realised that in my 'stuckness' I just stopped expecting anything to change, stopped looking for it and stopped asking. Through persistent nudging and encouragement from Cheryl, I began asking God for specific things. This involved asking the government agencies and programs that Caleb has been involved with for more help. This was uncomfortable for me, I was already getting some help and I felt bad asking for more, but I did, and you know what? I got more help. All of the sudden we had more respite care available to us so we could get some more breaks. During this time I also found it necessary to quit my part time job, which also took some pressure and stress off.

I also asked for favour with an organisation that provides a day program for low functioning/high needs children with autism. They give the kids tons of support and attention (there are only 4 kids in the class) and intensive therapy for behavioural issues ( like toilet training!!) as well as focusing on communication, being able to function out in public and basic life skills. The problem was there was a waiting list, the class is so small (4 kids!) and they usually take children who are in even worse shape than Caleb. We have a caseworker with this organisation and he really fought for us, in meetings he would keep bringing Caleb up and pushing for him to get the spot that was opening up in this class. He got in!! This September Caleb starts with this new day program called TRE-Add and I am so excited. Its an absolute miracle, because, like I said, Caleb is not the kind of child they normally take, but they said they thought Caleb was very ‘teachable’! The people who run this program are fantastic, the best of the best. I know that this is the answer to my prayer that Caleb would be able to reach his full potential....whatever that may be. I just need to know that he has received all the help he requires to even see what the possibilities for him are and what he is capable of.

So, I have learned that there is power in asking. Maybe its because when you ask, there is hope attached to it, and there is power in hope. Asking was difficult for me because the thing that came to mind was a kid at a grocery store crying in the checkout line asking for candy, and it gave me the feeling of being a whiny or bratty, spoiled kid. Its not the kind of asking you do like “Oh God, please give me a BMW”  or  “God, make me rich!” I think it’s about where your motives lie.
Does it mean I get everything I ask for? Absolutely not, God is not like Santa Claus or a genie in a bottle that grants wishes or gives us everything we want. Its a mystery why God answers some prayers and not others, but like a loving parent He knows what’s best for us and I am learning to trust Him in that. Sometimes God is silent for a long time and doesn’t seem to hear, that can be such a difficult time because you question whether He is really there, if He cares at all.....if He sees you.

I named this blog “Choosing Hope” because I didn’t have any on my own, it was a conscience effort, a choice of my will but I decided was going to start looking for it. I had to really dig for it when I first started this process, It didn’t come easy to hope, I had to scrounge for it and had to work it up.

The first stirrings of it at the beginning was just the desire to hope again, then asking for help caused it to grow, but seeing God answer has been especially significant.
Not because I got what I wanted but because it made me realise that God sees me. He sees me. He sees Caleb. Understanding the reality of that, when I actually came to understand the truth of God seeing me, hope came. The God of the universe knew me, all my failings and weakness and He loved me anyway. Hope came and trust was just naturally there when I understood the truth of that. I didn’t have to search for hope or work it up, it became completely unforced. Does the hope I have now make everything perfect? Hardly, I think I’ve just taken an important first step in a very long journey.

So, I have hope, the real thing! The amazing thing is that I can have it regardless of what the future holds, because He sees me and I can trust Him.....He sees you too.