Saturday, 29 October 2011


I am a woman in process, I have a son with special needs and my journey has been tough so far, I have not always coped very well. I have always found it fascinating that joy and pain, love and despair can be so closely connected, its that paradox that I live in all the time. Caleb is one of the greatest gifts and joys of my life, but also from time to time has brought me to the end of myself and has left me in deep despair. I lost hope for a very long time and just recently made a decision to try to find it again. I’ve made some progress, I am finding ways to hope again but have a long way to go.

I am not a “writer” but I love words. I have loved words for a long time and loved to read. I love how authors can arrange words like art to say something beautiful and to transport people to another place and time or to cause deep emotions. This is my feeble attempt at sharing my journey through writing. I think being open and authentic about our lives, the struggle, the ups and downs, and the messiness can be a very powerful thing.

There is one experience during a summer several years ago, I remember often, that is pushing me forward to begin this blog.
I was dropping my son off at a summer day camp for special needs kids, I was feeling particularly down that day, overwhelmed and stressed.  I went through the dropping off process and and was rushing back out to the car to go to work, as I was leaving I saw a woman in the parking lot who was also dropping her special needs son off at camp as well.  I held the door open for her and looked up at her as she passed, I will never forget the look I saw in her eyes. To this day, I can see the hopelessness, the deadness, the exhaustion. I got in the car and started praying for her, I felt helpless but wanted to do something. It was then that I looked in the rear view mirror at myself and saw the same look. I was at a loss as to how I could help these parents, that woman, myself. How could I help anyone when I was drowning too? 

Over the years, I have often thought of that woman and that look in her eye, thinking that if I ever “got it together” I would try to do something to help. Well, I have waited a very long time and am still waiting to “get it together”, I have come to the conclusion that I could be waiting a very long time.  So I have decided to move forward afraid and without perfection and answers. I don’t think many people can relate to perfection anyway so, as I try to find hope again, my prayer is that you would be encouraged and find hope whatever journey you are on.

I don’t have a lot of answers, but I love authenticity and would love to open the dialogue of struggling through the hard stuff, finding hope despite pain and discovering Gods hand in it all.

Here are my beautiful kids!