Tuesday, 17 April 2012

No Resolve

I know I have been very quiet over the last little while. I really thought I needed to spare you all from my ranting though. I had come to think that maybe my blog was kind of negative, filled with all my angst, me going on about how I’m trying to cope all the time. I guess I became embarrassed at how I sounded or was coming across. It has not been a very good couple of months, I wasn't sure how I was going to communicate that without being "negative" and I have been trying to find the balance between being honest and real about my life and how hard it has been but also not wanting to be a complainer.

I was reminded yesterday by some wonderful friends who were encouraging me to blog again, that writing it really is about it being an outlet and therapeutic for me, and not about who was reading it or what people took from it. It was not about me imparting my wisdom to the masses or trying to impress you all with deep intellectual thoughts. I needed to be reminded that it was me on a journey of trying to learn to cope with the stress of being a full time caregiver....that's all.

I grew up in a church community that gave me the impression that they really only wanted to know about your struggles and pain once they were resolved, they wanted victory stories, answers, life all tied up in a pretty bow. That really left most people alone to fend for themselves through their difficult times and left them feeling like something must be wrong with them if they couldn’t get through it or that they were the only one dealing with a particular issue. It’s not like I don’t like it when people get healed or come through grief and heartache on the other side with more wisdom, depth and character than before, that’s amazing and encouraging and we need to hear all of that....but guess what? There are some things that don’t resolve, some things we will never have answers for, pain that will not be pretty and presentable. I had recognised that a long time ago and was always bothered by the one sidedness of it all. My friend Karen (who knows me very well) had pointed out to me that she thought I wasn’t writing anymore because I didn’t have resolve.....If it didn’t resolve, it was just complaining in my mind, so I stopped.....but I also realised I was buying into what I didn’t agree with, that it needed to be presentable before I wrote about it or spoke about it.....if it was messy, ugly or there wasn’t a “lesson” in it, I should just keep quiet.

So here I am again.
If things weren’t stressful enough, Caleb has now begun a whole new stage in life but out of respect for him, I will keep the details vague. He has started a lot of new behaviours in the last couple of months that have redefined frustration on a whole new level for me. It has required a lot of extra hours and energy, not to mention lots of laundry. At least once a day I think I really don’t know how to manage him anymore. He is so beautiful in so many ways, he absolutely lights up our home with his excitement, smiles and sweetness, but his needs are unrelenting and an exhausting 24/7, 365 days a year...every year.  I have been really trying to just keep my head above water, trying to hold onto some sanity.

So, can I ask what the difference is between someone honestly and openly sharing their grief, pain and struggling to cope compared with someone who is whiny, grumbling and complaining? Is it an attitude thing? A spirit thing? Is there even a difference?
You see, I feel so very grateful about so many things in my life, honestly, I am so thankful for health and a home, a great marriage, an employed husband, kids I’m bursting with pride over, the most wonderful family and deep friendships......how can someone who feels and knows she is so incredibly blessed still have a hard time keeping her head above water, still struggle to manage day to day? What am I missing? Where is the disconnect? That's my question......
See? I did it...this time...no resolve :)