Have
you ever known something with your head, like intellectually, you
comprehend an idea or a truth? Then something happens, its like a light
goes on, or your eyes are opened and all of the sudden you really “get”
it? It becomes something that goes from your head to your heart, a
different kind of knowing and understanding. I’m not sure what the
process is to get there, and I’m not sure it something we even control.
It could be that God decides its time to open our eyes and understanding
to a truth, it’s a mystery that God controls. I have had that happen to
me recently in a very life changing way. I hope I can articulate it in a
way that does it justice.
You
only have to read a few of my previous blogs to know that I have been
having a hard time, not coping well with being a full time caregiver to
Caleb. I have been fighting depression, I have felt frustrated, I have
felt hopeless. There is a story in the bible I heard at church a few
weeks ago about three men who served God with their whole hearts. Their
names were Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. In the story the king made up
a law that everyone had to worship an idol - like a golden statue -
that was the kings god. The king wanted the whole nation to bow down to
this god. If you broke this law you were punished by being tossed in a
blazing furnace and burned to death. To make a long story short, these
three men refused to bow to this other god. They said “ the God we serve
is able to save us from it ….. But even if He does not, we still will
not bow.” Daniel 3:17 Now, I have heard this story in great detail
countless times in my life but when I heard it this time, something
changed, the lights went on for me and I couldn’t stop thinking about
it. Then the next day I was reading and saw a verse in Psalms 33:4 that
says “....He is faithful in all He does”. Immediately those two facts
came together for me. I thought I already knew that God is able to
rescue me and that He is faithful....I really did know it....in my head.
All of the sudden my heart understood it, I really thought it did
already, but then I saw it, understood it and believed it in a way I
never have before.
It
hit me ~ in light of God being able to save me and choosing to, or not
to....He reminded me He is faithful in all He does. Everything that has
happened and happens in my life, all that God has allowed or given me is
ALL filtered through His faithfulness. He is faithful in all He does.
Really though, sometimes life can be so painful. If my goal really is to
glorify God with my life, who says it has to be or will be easy?
Suffering is universal, it’s part of life. Everyone experiences it in
one way, at one time or another. So I am submitting to the pain,
frustration, exhaustion, and lack of control, I'm praying and believing
that God and His faithfulness and grace will somehow be made big through it. I don’t see how it will unfold and don’t understand how
that will happen but that’s not up to me I guess. He is writing my story.....He
is writing Caleb’s story, He isn't finished the story yet, I don't know what comes next but I trust Him with the pen. More than that I
submit it to Him. Not that He didn’t have it before....He did, I was
just fighting it, being frustrated and angry because I didn’t have any
say or control. I had the arrogance to actually question and be
unsatisfied with God’s plan. I don’t think God is shocked or offended by
our questions and anger though, He has been so patient with me and has
gently walked me through it.
I
didn’t finish the story about the three men, it’s an incredible story
really. God does rescue them, they are thrown into the fire and do not
die, in fact they aren’t even burned or smell of smoke, they walk right
out of the furnace. There are many stories through history and even
today of people who have been tortured and killed for their faith. The
thing is, like the story of the three men, God sometimes rescues us, and
other times He doesn’t. It doesn’t make sense to me but God is God. He
sees the whole picture of my life and yours and we see just a small tiny
fraction at a time, and “...He is faithful in all He does.”
So
I either trust Him or I don’t, it’s my choice....I chose to trust. Does
that mean that everything is easy now? No, things have never been more
difficult with Caleb. Does it mean that I will never have days of doubt
and anger, that I won’t feel the grief and ache that has followed me for
years? No, of course not, I am human, weak and will have bad days I’m
sure, but I just feel like I’ve got something to use against the dark
times now. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest....its
peace. I am finding that there is so much peace in trusting. I have a
peace now that I have never had before because I am choosing to believe
that “...He is faithful in all He does.”
