Hope and I have not had a great relationship for the last several years. I have found though that living without hope is a sad existence. When I talk about not having hope, it really is specifically about Caleb, but essentially I have tied hope and faith for my life to his progress, probably not the healthiest idea, but my reality nonetheless. I’m in the process of untangling that mess.
Caleb has just had his 13th birthday, and has been assessed cognitively at 18 months to 2 years - essentially he is a 2 yr old in a 13 year old body. I have been in the process of trying to toilet train Caleb for about 10 years now, there has been no progress. Do I accept that its not going to happen? Do I keep trying and believing that one day it will “click”? I just can’t admit defeat with this one, but I feel like I’m banging my head against the wall, literally and figuratively :)
Hope hurts sometimes, it can be so discouraging, it was painful to have it, so I let it go. Isn’t it natural to give up something that constantly hurts? I know it sounds horrible to give up hoping for your child, but it helped me to live safer, or so I thought - more emotionally healthy. You know, accepting my life, my reality, living everyday as it came and not in a fantasy of what I wanted it to look like, waiting for the miracle instead of living today. I thought that was what was healthy emotionally. I was wrong, that didn’t work so well......maybe my idea of hope has been misguided or not the full truth.
I guess the choice is, you can live safely without hope and protect yourself from the chance of getting hurt but the exchange is that life is never what it could be, you’ve accepted the lowest common denominator for your life or that of your family. Or you chose hope and faith, put yourself at risk of getting let down again and again but you keep the door open to possibilities. In the end, hope is the better way. I guess that's why I’m still trying to toilet train after 10 years of no progress, I know it can be so discouraging but settling for less than what could be for your life or your family is just tragic. So, here I am, trying to find the truth of hope and faith.